Prependix:
“Turn Left Right Here”
By
Zippy Loqaktlptl & Yabba Zequatzenqatl
 
 
Zippy and Yabba? What in the hell kind of names are those?!? Were these morons born in the ‘60’s?
 
Actually, their full names are Zippy Loqaktlptl and Yabba Zequatzenqatl.
 
Huh? I’m just trying to figure out if their parents got some kind of drug-induced revelation while vacationing on Easter Island, or just decided to name their sons after some remote Aztec mountains.
 
All I know is that these two wedgeheads had to use pseudonyms to protect themselves from being sued by half of the population of the United States of America! (Void where prohibited.)
 
Yeah…and the country of Texas, too! I thought what they said about Jollyville was totally uncalled for.
 
Did they mention Jollyville in the book?
 
I dunno…but, it does sound rather interesting! Like baked sauerkraut. Yummmm… Anyway, I guess I stand corrected. I was almost positive that they said Jollyville was some sort of religious Mecca for horny carnival pilgrims or some sort of tourist trap for those idiot families that choose to drive thousands of miles just to see an outdoor dance rendition of ‘Skip-to-Da’Loo, My Darlin’’ by the indigenous Krotch-Garabb Indian tribe…
 
Ugh, no…I don’t think so.
 
Now that I really think about it, I prefer ‘or, better yet…’ the best.
 
What?!?!?
 
Or…better…YET!!!
 
What in yak turds are you quippling about?
 
I really think that we should’ve named this wonderful creation, ‘or, better yet…’! You know…one of the titles mentioned on the previous cover page.
 
Why don’t you go smoke some of your dried sauerkraut, gnatbrain! This title is what we decided on a long, long time ago…in a Ford Galaxy far, far away. See…the title is allegorical to the stranger things in life. It’s a bit off-centered, is it not?
 
Like your head? Hey…Do bedbugs really bite? Or, do they just crap all over your sheets and you wind up rolling around all over it when you’re dog tired, half-drunk and having nightmares?
 
You’re hopeless.
 
Okay! It’s time to get really serious about this whole matter. By the way, who in the hell is Ed? I don’t recall writing about some loser named Ed.
 
Ed?
 
Yeah…Ed! The guy that was mentioned at the end of the last page after all that ‘Name Your Book’ crap.
 
Ed? Ed? Oh…Ed!!! That’s the abbreviation for the editor, whiskey-wit!
 
Really?!?  I thought it might’ve been Mr. Ed, the talking horse that you see on T.V. Land at four in the morning. (Singing) “A horse is a horse, of course of course, and no one can talk to a horse of course, that is of course, unless the horse is the famous Mister Ed…”
 
Of course! Ugh…you better stick a half-cup of peanut butter into that oral disposal of yours, kiddo!
 
Awwww, Wil’burrr…HEE-HAW! HEE-HAW!
 
Enough, horse portal.
 
Hey? Should we even be talking about all of this garbage before the book even starts?
 
Mmmm…maybe not! I mean, what in the hell should they know, anyway?
 
Yeah. Let’s just shut up and get them to buy the damn thing, so they’ll have to find out everything for themselves! Third person…first person…fourth dimension?!?  This isn’t a charity, you know!
 
Warped, but a good point! I’ll zip it closed.
 
Me too…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZip!
 
 
NOTE: Some of the locations in this story appear on actual maps. This is where any similarity to reality ends. If any of the characters herein resemble any persons living or deceased, then make an appointment with a psychiatrist. (Just don’t take the daily trip to your local television lawyer’s office.)
If you should happen, God forbid, to possess the same name as any of the fictional idiotica written within this honorable work of art…change it! Oh…and don’t expect to get any royalties, either.
 
O.U.R.P.!
 
 
ECOLOGICAL NOTE: No animals (human or otherwise) were injured during the research
or writing of this work. This book was reprinted with permission using recycled
toilet paper.
(Squish!)
 
*O.U.R.P. = Our Useless Recycled Propaganda
 
 
Dedications
 
How would you feel about doing some dedications?
 
Dedications? What d’ya mean?
 
You know, just about every written work has them. Example: “This book is dedicated with loving gratitude to my loving parents, who lovingly humped each other one dark and passionate night so that I could be born and grow up and write this loving tripe, and to the loving Reverend Dr. Tank for helping me with punctuation, and to my loving spiritual guide, “The Love Swami Salami”.
 
Okay…I think I understand what you’re getting at.
 
So…what do you think?
 
I didn’t even realize that you had a spiritual guide.
 
I don’t! That was just an example.
 
Really?!? At first, I thought you were making fun of my own spiritual intercessor. The well renowned “Big Chief Writing Tablet”. He is the leader of the native Krotch-Garabb Indian tribe.
 
Hmph? We really should try to dedicate this material to some of our really important influences on us, like Douglas Adams, Kurt Vonnegut, Robert Heinlein, Jerome ‘Curly’ Howard, Ren and Stimpy, et al…
 
You mean to tell me that I can dedicate part of this tome to J.D. Salinger, Joseph Heller, Homer J. Simpson, Alfred E. Neuman, or even Sofia Vergara…ZOINKS!!!
 
Of course you can! And don’t forget to include that little lizard stuck inside my sliding patio door…
 
?!?!?!?...Geico?!?
 
Should I mention my neighbor, Mr. Jewels, who wakes me up in the middle of the night to help him go to the bathroom or fix his dilapidated toilet?
 
No…
 
Oh, crap!
 
What?!?
 
I almost forgot about our kinfolk!
 
Good goin’, waxhead…only nine sentences after you had made a dedication to a cartoon character.
 
Ummm, this creative assemblage is lovingly dedicated to Alex and Amber Loqaktlptl and my ‘X’- Tina.
 
You mean that they’re named after your pseudonym? What a DORK!!!
 
No…I mean-     FUMP!
 
You’re not taking another one of those bubble baths, again? Are you?
 
Nevermind!
 
Anyhow…I’d also like to dedicate my work to Holly (wife), David (son) and Christina (daughter).
 
Well, folks, there you have it! Our dedications…
 
Ugh…don’t forget our other friends and family.
 
You mean, they’re actually still around?!? I thought…
 
…they posted us on some psychopath’s internet web domain!
 
I don’t think they’d go that far. Anyway…I sure am glad that we were able to keep this short and sweet!
 
Sweeeeeeet!!! And with some real emotional empathy, too. But, shouldn’t we give a brief synopsis of our backgrounds? You know…how and where we grew up, and all that other personal doodle that nosy people like to read about on the inside covers of books, or even the National Enquirer or Star…
 
Hell, no! It’s none of their damn business! Besides, we might get sued for plagiarizing our own biographies!
 
??? Okay. Listen…instead of naming a legion of people (?) aforementioned, why don’t we write down all those names on some pieces of scrap paper, then pick just one out of this old hat. That way, they’ll know we didn’t purposely or in senescence omit somebody and possibly hurt a lot of their feelings in that we might have forgotten them and won’t be wasteful by devoting a whole section of this book to just dedications!
 
Yeah! Sounds great! Let’s get started…
 
(One hour, twenty-six minutes and thirteen seconds later)
 
Alright! I think we’re finally finished! Okay, buddy…shuffle’m up real good.
 
Go ahead and pick one. I’ll hold the hat.
 
Let’s see…ummmmmmmmph…this is harder than I thought…ummmmmmmphck…there! This should do for our complete regard to an individual held in the highest esteem for contributing valiantly to our literary influence in writing this monumental manuscript…
 
With Loving and Appreciative Gratitude, We Dedicate This Written Work to:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 SIZE 7½