Look up into the night sky, a little bit to your left. You know…about 3,700 parsecs from our own sun. Right there. No…there…ah, forget it! Just try to imagine where you’re looking, then. There is a distant galaxy, sort of Northeast of our own Milky Way, that our astronomers have christened ‘M33’. The inhabitants of M33, however, don’t call it that. The things that live under the frozen oceans of Griznum have dubbed it “The Great WaWa”. The Bodges of Retlif 5 know it as ‘grunt’. Then, of course, there are the Gaseous Energy Gods, who exist on a world they refer to as “The World”, in a galaxy they call “The Galaxy”. (Being very literal-minded, the Gas Gods have much more important things to do with their creative impulses than give mythological names to celestial bodies). Advancing a few thousand generations of so-called ‘Gaseous Poop’, our interjacent inclusion at this point of this chapter brings us to the date:
JANUARY 8, 1935 (Earth reckoning):
     Six adolescent Gases were literally lingering around a patch of ‘convenient waste’ in their so-called “Neighborhood”, when their transmitted bantering was interrupted by another alienated Gaseous Energy God. This ‘little flatulence’ had an evil stench within its character, causing fear and humiliation in anything caught within sight of its’ destructive path. This deviated God was ill-mannered, ill-intentious, ill-repulsive and just downright ornery. This impious malefactor was appropriately known as “PHEW!”
     “PHEW!” tried in vain to disorganize the clique of righteous neighborhood Gaseous Energy Gods, but failed. Bent on sociopathic intolerance, this particular God’s vision was to decimate their planet and become sole proprietor to every means imaginable, and obtain absolute power over any and all individual gases in existence. But, “PHEW!” had only one problem with this megalomaniacal scheme…in G.E.G.’s lexicon, this omnipotent ‘Pubescent Hitler’ was only a child within a paleolithic world of Gaseous consciousness. Therefore, “PHEW!” was promptly placed in detention within their own frozen “Slush” for an indeterminate number of eons.
AUGUST 16, 1977:
     A spaceship from “The World” was sailing by a small hot moon second in orbit around a small cool planet circling around an insignificant tepid sun. The vessel was minding its’ own business, catching some rays as it were, when it was unexpectedly clobbered by the longest sustained burst of psychic force ever to impact its’ receptors. The Gaseous Energy Gods on board had piloted the spacecraft unimaginable distances across intergalactic voids so immeasurably vast that they didn’t even bother to measure it. There had been numerous times along the journey when the Gaseous Energy Gods had picked up some mental chatter from inhabited planetary systems, but it was always a kind of background noise caused by the accumulation of random thoughts in the minds of the planet’s sentient creatures. A sort of static buzz in the overall aura that every planet projected as a basic part of its’ standard operating procedures. The most recent projection, on the other hand, was a unified mental utterance of such magnitude that it was impossible to ignore. It seemed that, with almost no detectable deviation, nearly every mind on the source world had consciously formed the same thought at the same moment and hurled it outward, reinforced by the output of practically every electromechanical transmitter the planet owned.
     Within seconds, the ship’s instruments had identified the origin of the telepathic-electromagnetic outburst: the third planet in the orbit around this particularly small star...a miniscule hydrogen and oxygen world indwelled with a large variety of carbon-based life forms. With the Gaseous Energy Gods consent, the ship coaxed itself around closer to the planet. The ship’s equipment was capable of analyzing signals from every transmitter and satellite on every electromagnetic wavelength, almost all of which announced the very same thing: “THE KING IS DEAD!”
     These Gaseous Energy Gods were conducting their own examination, listening and watching as they received emanations directly with their minds and their bodies (which were, for all intents and purposes, one and the same). Unlike the static buzz that came to them from the most populated planets, they perceived an emotion this time, a thought, and something completely outside of their considerable realm of experience: full color video. They sensed the being of a human as he had been in life: the pompadour of black hair, the large black sideburns reaching down past his earlobes, the spastic hip gyrations, the high bejeweled collar and the twisted upper lip. They were so excited by this, their very first encounter with an image so strong and lifelike, that they made a command consensus to investigate this planet and its’ inhabitants further. Although, they were by nature fabulous communicators, they reasoned correctly that their totally alien nature would allow for no communication. They could not visit this world as Gaseous Energy Gods. This being the case, they set about the delicate process of changing their structure and remolding their entire molecular anatomy to appear as those who lived on this newly discovered world, using as models the examples of terrestrial life they had ever encountered: images received from the electromechanical waves from the originators of the planet’s inhabitants themselves.
     The Gaseous Energy Gods did fairly well with their first attempt at altering themselves into totally different life forms. Out of the indeterminate number of glowing, cloud-like, effervescent beings, they managed to create four exact replicas of Elvis Presley, a bearded man wearing a toga with sandals that called himself ‘Moses’ and an ‘Oooops!...How did that happen?’: A very large, gray pig with a gift for languages.
P.H.E.W. = Primitive Harassing Energized Warrior
Copyright © 2013-15 by Frank McDaniel, Jr. and Rob Corin. All Rights Reserved.
End: Chap. 1